and if they come back then they were always yours....you know the rest


anyone really experienced this? about them coming back?

or letting them go in general and them not coming back...just seeing if the quote has any truth or good experiences.

7/7/2008 2:02:42 AM

currently working on that...i guess...sorta

7/7/2008 2:04:01 AM

on which part? letting them go or going back?

7/7/2008 2:05:22 AM

yes it was really really hard...but he did come back .... but then now its mutual.( I moved away, and he's moving away soon as well. we are across the country from one another) I love him but i don't think i am in love with him as much. I just don't think he is the one. never wanted to say that but its what I feel now...

BUT I really believe in the saying if its meant to be it will be.

[Edited on July 7, 2008 at 2:09 AM. Reason : d]

7/7/2008 2:07:42 AM

yea thats what im tryin to see about...if there really are any people that have had that experience where you just kinda know.

that sayin is very truthful tho

7/7/2008 2:10:16 AM

they don't come back.

get over it.

7/7/2008 2:10:20 AM

(pm if you are interested in more of a full story, i guess)
the relationship got really rocky and we broke up, i moved away, he decided he wanted to be with me after all...basically


the whole thing was really hard...i guess what i'm "working on" is seeing if it's all going to work out this time...

[Edited on July 7, 2008 at 2:13 AM. Reason : v]

7/7/2008 2:12:56 AM

I think its more important to realize what is meant to be will really find a way to be. if its not then its just not. and its that realization and acceptance which is really liberating.

If you are in the situation i'm sorry its tough, but I am a big believer in fate.

7/7/2008 2:13:04 AM

yea i believe in it, just so tough to know that a guy like me who is always in control of everythng and tries to make sure it all works out...I cant control this, its really out of my hands...thats whats hard to realize


so for you 83, the part that Im interested in...did you all talk during the break up and still remain close...date others? etc...like should you work for it or just let it be and not touch it and see if it comes back

7/7/2008 2:16:50 AM

Quote :

"or letting them go in general and them not coming back...just seeing if the quote has any truth or good experiences."

Going through this right now. She suggested a break, I took her up on it, not really putting my whole heart into it (basically thinking we would get back together) and just here recently she's told me she doesn't have any intention of getting back together. It sucks and hurts like hell, but I'm with the other posters on the board. If it was meant to be, it will work out, and if not, it won't. Right now it's definitely not looking like it will.

Makes me wonder if she wasn't just looking for an easy way to break up with me and I ended up doing her dirty work for her. If that's the case though, fuck her. Don't need somebody who is gutless as mine.

Sorry I know I got off topic, but it's still pretty fresh.

/rant

Hope your situation plays out better than mine has.

7/7/2008 2:21:30 AM

thanks guys, i know some of this is probably tough to type or admit


keep em comin...

7/7/2008 2:24:29 AM

can you give us more details?

7/7/2008 2:27:27 AM

all i really can say here is that i'm very close to ceasing to believe in love, i'm not sure its worth the pain you feel anymore

but i'm also a bitter misogynistic sumbitch so...

7/7/2008 2:29:26 AM

yea goldengirl i can, i almost typed it out walla go but deleted it all haha

oddly enough i broke up with the girl, dated her for 2 years which if you know me is incredible. I used to have a 2 week rule where id hang out with them for 2 weeks and be done...she broke that by leaps and bounds.

anyways, i broke up over petty stupid stuff...well she went on dates and stuff saying that at any moment if i wanted her back she'd take me back...i gave it time and felt it out...

anyways to make a long story short...recently i really screwed up and hurt her bad...by basically saying I didnt want her

well now she went and got a new bf...not long after this incident. anyways...I really sat down and realized how much i really did love her and shouldnt have done that and let her go...that she was where i wanted to be and who i wanted to be with. well now at this point she says she still has feelings for me but is with this other guy and he makes her happy and doesnt want to take me back at the moment, but who knows what may happen in down the road.

so i know i have to let her go...i dont want to...but i have to...I was just wondering if the statement is true that they come back to you.

Id actually see myself with her down the road, just didnt know if anyone had any luck with that.

long story, some pieces are missing but you get the idea i suppose, its hard to explain. make any sense?

7/7/2008 2:36:02 AM

More details of my situation. Maybe you'll see some parallels. Hopefully you won't.

We went on break at the beginning of the summer with the understanding that we would re-evaluate at the end of the summer. She went back to our hometown until early June, at which point, she went to Mexico on study-abroad. I've been here in Raleigh the whole time. Before she left for Mexico, we had been talking nearly every day on the phone even though we were on the break. She has a phone plan so that she can call me from Mexico, but my plan doesn't let me call her. She called every couple of days for the first week or two she was in Mexico. Then a little more time would go by and she'd call, not sounding very interested at all. I think it was just so she could tell herself she called. I emailed her about the casual nature of our conversations and she read something in my email that wasn't there and revealed more about her feelings or lack thereof than she intended to. I pointed it out and drew out more through subsequent emails. Finally after a week of her not calling, and me telling her how I still had feelings for her and her not responding in kind, I told her to either put up or shut up. She called me that night and told me she knew she didn't want to get back together at the end of the summer. This was after 3 years of being together mind you.

Like I said, it hurt like hell. But I'm glad I forced her hand. She had intended on telling me she didn't want to get back together when she got back. Fuck that. I'm not putting my life on hold while I wait for someone to crush me.

Your situation may be different, and it may be better to let things run her course. But don't let anyone make you put your life on hold while you wonder how they feel. I did that for 3 or 4 days in there before finally telling her to put up or shut up and it was one of the lowest points in my life. People who really care about you don't do things like that to you.

^ Sounds like you're on the opposite side of things. From her perspective, she really cares about you if she's willing to take you back after you being wishy washy. I know because that's the same way I feel about the girl I'm referring to. She's hurt me worse than anyone has before, but I would still take her back in a heartbeat.

On your side, you need to decide once and for all if she is what you want. It's not fair for her to take you back, only to have you break up with her again. Her love life is in limbo or has been, while you get the luxury of deciding whether you want her or not. If you have for sure decided you want her and told her as much, that's really all you can do. If she isn't fully over you, I find it hard to believe she could fully invest herself in this other relationship you've described. At the same time it could be that she has gotten over you, and you missed your chance. I hope for your sake it's the former and not the latter. Only time will tell.

[Edited on July 7, 2008 at 2:48 AM. Reason : asdf]

7/7/2008 2:41:54 AM

not to be mean but I can side with her... that being said, its good to keep contact iming or texting but this should not be everyday...you have to give her her space right now. If you really love her you will want her to be happy. and as much as it may hurt that she is with someone else, if she is happy it should make you happy.
Sometimes this is the hardest lesson learned.

7/7/2008 2:42:25 AM

when we first broke up we were still living together. we talked about working things out, and when we thought things were going to maybe be okay, he'd go "hang out" with girls from work and stay out all night. we fought constantly and things got completely out of hand. so i moved from fayetteville to raleigh.

the in between was back and forth...and we're not really back together right now - that's actually even more complicated, in a way, lol.



i think the best thing to do is to let the other person know exactly how you feel, and then completely separate yourself from the relationship for a little bit...and that's the hardest part. because you feel (at least i did) like as long as you are still talking to them, that you are at least that close to them, and like if you stop talking to them then all of that is gone and you don't know for how long...or if it's forever. but that's what you have to do...at least for a little bit, then you can try talking once in a while.

if the other person realizes that they really want to be with you like you want to be with them, then they will come back...if they come back, then you know that you both want to be together, then you just have to work together to figure out what went wrong before and how to work together to fix it.

[Edited on July 7, 2008 at 2:46 AM. Reason : sorry if that was ramble-y...i'm sleepy]

7/7/2008 2:45:09 AM

it's a saying

7/7/2008 2:46:59 AM

ya...i saw her on the 4th, she snuck away from everyone and met me on the beach to watch fireworks...we decided to make it a tradition...every year we'd meet...no matter what.

i'll see her later this summer as well, once maybe ever other week...so i'll be in contact...but i've learned to give her space for sure...that was tough at first...but i've gotten good at that now.

guess the problem was that I never really had closure...and she didnt either...theres still stuff there and thats the hardest part.

but u can agree with her? lol i guess so...i know i messed up and regret it everyday and she knows that, still not over it, but she knows

just tough to let her be and miss out on something i was such a big part of, the smallest things every day remind me of her...thats the tough part. hell its all tough haha.

i know my best bet is to find another tho and go from there

7/7/2008 2:49:30 AM

its basic psychology.


if you take something away from someone, they want it back. This being if they had some emotional attachment to it.


theres a reason two people split up.

Its along the lines of taking candy away from a baby and then the baby crying.

7/7/2008 2:50:11 AM

ahhhh exactly...if i stop talking to them i feel like it will be gone and done and die off

ahhhh, so i have to just stop it eventually and see if it does come back around, if it doesnt..then i know.

that was one of the things i was worried/interested about.

and its deeper than that^ a lot deeper...for me at least and her as well



[Edited on July 7, 2008 at 2:52 AM. Reason : m]

7/7/2008 2:51:47 AM

if there's (unfinished) stuff there that you can talk about, do it...tell her that you need to and see if she's willing

7/7/2008 2:52:02 AM

Quote :

"ya...i saw her on the 4th, she snuck away from everyone and met me on the beach to watch fireworks...we decided to make it a tradition...every year we'd meet...no matter what."

well thats a pretty strong statement. New guy could be a rebound then, which then she wouldn't be nice to him. how long did it take for her to start dating someone?

If it was like a month or two after I think its too soon for her and she does have feelings for you. I've done some stupid stuff to just get my mind off things, shortly after breakups , which can also backfire as well.

[Edited on July 7, 2008 at 2:58 AM. Reason : s]

7/7/2008 2:52:57 AM

yea, it was less than a month

he is her cousins neighbor and he is close by and sees him all the time, which for us, it was Raleigh and Greenville area...so it was few and far between.

my buddy said the same thing, that he is prolly the rebound guy. but knowing her, she loves security and just having someone there.

i dunno...but she did promise to do that and not to let us get out of touch with each other.like i said we have random stuff planned throughout the summer to see each other...which i guess could potentially be good or bad...dunno

7/7/2008 2:55:20 AM

Hang in there, dude. Keep the optimism going, but be prepared in case things don't turn out the way you want them to right now. I'm a firm believer in things happening for a reason, and that reason may not be obvious in the here and now. Don't push too hard and let things take their course.

7/7/2008 2:57:27 AM

sounds like she didn't like being lonely so she got up with the guy, when she does have feelings for you. I say your chances are good.

7/7/2008 2:59:50 AM

yea, im the eternal optimist...I hardly ever let things get me down, but this certainly has.

the hardest part to deal with is her stating that she still has feelings for me but is scared and doesnt want to get hurt again...doesnt want to go through it again to end up getting hurt and she still is mad at me.

thats the hardest part to understand, i've always said if you have feelings you have to honor them and be true to you...

then she brings up the bullshizz about her being with this new guy and he makes her happy and she doesnt want to ruin that...makes it all so weird.

so just wait it out...give her space...enjoy my time and see what happens...I've told myself that, just helps to hear it from someone else to know its the right thing to do...and it MAY just MAY work out like i want it right now.

7/7/2008 3:00:40 AM

Quote :

"the hardest part to deal with is her stating that she still has feelings for me but is scared and doesnt want to get hurt again...doesnt want to go through it again to end up getting hurt and she still is mad at me. thats the hardest part to understand, i've always said if you have feelings you have to honor them and be true to you... then she brings up the bullshizz about her being with this new guy and he makes her happy and she doesnt want to ruin that...makes it all so weird. "

She does have feelings and is honoring some of them. Just not the ones you want her to. She's scared, hurt, and mad. These feelings are running against the ones you want her to act on. But they're the safe bet for her to act on at this point. She's already been hurt by you, and the guy she is currently with hasn't had the opportunity to hurt her in the way you have. That's probably why she doesn't want to mess it up. I'd agree this is a silly reason for her to be with him and not you, but like I said, it's the safest option for her at this point. I would say that once she's had time to realize she likes this guy because he doesn't hurt her feelings, and she has had time to heal, reflect on her relationship with you, and miss you (most importantly), things will probably work out in your favor.

7/7/2008 3:10:00 AM

yea, she even stated that...

something to the point of why do you like him? and she said he hasnt hurt me or something

so i totally see what you mean there, interesting view.


Its tough when you still care tho to just let it all happen

7/7/2008 3:19:30 AM

the worst is when they come back and you've moved on.

and they can't let it go.

7/7/2008 3:21:38 AM

thats totally possible...but hard to imagine at this point haha

i dont wish that on anyone though, especially her...not the way this feels right now.

but like you say, totally possible.

7/7/2008 3:29:12 AM

^^ that hasn't fully happened but its funny when you start dating someone new and then exs come out of the wood works asking about you and how you been once they find out there is someone new.

7/7/2008 3:31:25 AM

we'll see how it goes, i'll try and bring this thread up later if anything develops

I hope it does, for the best, no matter what that may be.

7/7/2008 3:37:48 AM

Quote :

"what is meant to be will really find a way to be"

people use this statement all the time but i have never fully understood it...maybe i am reading it wrong but it just seems like if both parties think that, then both people just sit around waiting for something to happen with the other.

7/7/2008 7:01:33 AM

this saying was designed so idiots stupid enough to actually listen to sayings would free up all the chicks for the guys with a set of balls

7/7/2008 7:02:38 AM

noone ever calls anyone out on the flaw in logic

i think it comes from those chick movies and romance novels..

[Edited on July 7, 2008 at 7:15 AM. Reason : .]

7/7/2008 7:08:42 AM

.... Yeah i sometimes agree but if the person went w/o it being mutual than its a whole new ball game.

7/7/2008 7:46:40 AM

haha this happened to me. the letting go, the returning. followed by a massive explosion of FAIL. it was the biggest mess evar... i do not recommend any of it

7/7/2008 10:24:30 AM

not had any positive success with this. often if i (or she) had reason to break it off, then i have later found that the original judgment was correct.

that being said, i still am going to write my ex a letter for her bday and wish her well. who knows maybe we have grown. possibly a bad idea, but i won't be deterred.

7/7/2008 10:28:15 AM

the only coming back that has ever worked in my favor was that i ended up being great friends with them later on if they came back (and most of them have at some point)....there were never any feelings left of the romantic nature...at least on my part...

if we're going for quotes here and the everything happens for a reason theme....i prefer this one...

Quote :

"Sometimes you have to take things the way they are, not the way you want them to be or the way they could have been, because sometimes it turns out that what you thought you really wanted is nothing compared to what you get..."

look john...you didn't want her when you had her....now you can't have her and you want her....just let it be...i know it's easier said than done but if it's meant to be it will be...

time is the only friend you have in something like this...you can't make it happen...you also can't sit around waiting for it to happen...you might miss out on something even betterl...real life isn't like "The Notebook"....if it was women would never have movies to watch....

so go on and live your life and let her live her's....if she calls, enjoy the conversation....if the urge strikes you to call her then do it....but don't plot and plan and keep the contact in hopes that it will make a difference later on down the road....


as for this...

Quote :

"not to be mean but I can side with her... that being said, its good to keep contact iming or texting but this should not be everyday...you have to give her her space right now. If you really love her you will want her to be happy. and as much as it may hurt that she is with someone else, if she is happy it should make you happy. Sometimes this is the hardest lesson learned."

not to be mean but this is terrible advice...the only thing i actually agree with is the "i can side with her" part...

leave her alone...if she cares about you she'll make the necessary arrangements to see you or talk to you....it's the nature of women....if she wants you then she's not going to just write you off....but if you keep the contact going then one of two things is going to happen a) you're giving her false hope and messing up what could be a really good relationship for her by keeping her hanging on to one that hasn't worked out many times in the past...or b) she's going to realize that she really has moved on and you'll be trying way too hard and then she's going to avoid you all together and want nothing at all to do with you...

as for the bolded part....that's the biggest bunch of bullshit ever....

i've said that "i just want him to be happy and if he's happy i'll be happy..." thing a bazillion times trying to convince myself that i meant it...

that's such a crock...we're not 15 anymore...we can stop lying to ourselves...nobody is that selfless...

of course you want somebody you care about to be happy...but if it's not you that's making them happy you're never going to be happy for them...and you're damn sure not going to be happy yourself...

there is nothing about somebody i want to be with being happy with somebody else that eases my mind or makes me feel better....f that....i want to make you happy, i don't want somebody else to make you happy....

and anybody that says any different is delusional

7/7/2008 11:43:29 AM

I'm gonna read the whole thread later; I'll answer the first question now:

Yes. My bf and I took a break earlier this year. He wasn't sure what he wanted, and I wasn't taking the wishy-washy stuff too well. I told him to figure out, and then let me know.

Being such good friends, we still hung out and did much of the same shit together, minus sex (which, for us, is pretty charged. The whole BDSM thing permeates sex even when you're doing missionary) and cuddling. I moved out for a while, but had to come back for a bit when my previous roommate's cats started pissing on everything I touched.

Broke up Feb 5. He gave me my Valetine's Day present a few days later, since he wasn't going to use it. It was a pair of tickets to see my favorite band, and they're kind of 'our' band. He ended up going with me.

He also finally got me flowers on Valentine's Day, saying 'now you can't say that I never got you flowers'. We stayed best friends the whole time.

In April, he asked to have me back. I'd been assuming all that time that we were really over, and man, it sucked ass. I hated it. It was the loneliest time of my life, and when I was a kid, I was often crying myself to sleep at night because I felt so damn alone because my parents never saw fit to do anything other than make me feel like an unwanted burden.

Sit back, stay the same person you are now, don't put your life on hold, and just see what happens. That's all you can do.

7/7/2008 11:50:55 AM

I think it works but you have to realize and accept that its an IF... IF they come back. And if they don't, you have to be prepared to move on with your life. I think that if she's dating someone else, you might as well move on. Even if she does want you back, thats a LOT to have to get over together, and it doesn't usually work.

I completely agree with "don't put your life on hold".

[Edited on July 7, 2008 at 11:54 AM. Reason : ]

7/7/2008 11:53:00 AM

Quote :

"they don't come back. get over it."

7/7/2008 11:54:50 AM

you can keep your hopes up, but i wouldn't ever count on them materializing.

Quote :

"look john...you didn't want her when you had her....now you can't have her and you want her....just let it be"

yep.

[Edited on July 7, 2008 at 12:10 PM. Reason : w ]

7/7/2008 12:07:12 PM

And if she doesn't come back, hunt her ungrateful ass down and keep her in the basement.

7/7/2008 3:10:08 PM

Quote :

"If you really love her you will want her to be happy. and as much as it may hurt that she is with someone else, if she is happy it should make you happy. "

worst advice in this whole thread. If what she needs to be happy is someone else, then you don't need to waste any more of your time worrying about her. There is no comfort to be found in watching someone else succeed at something you failed at. Get over her and find someone else.

7/7/2008 4:13:10 PM

I think the saying is "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be." This is something you do with a squirrel that fell out of it's nest or a bird with a broken wing that you nursed back to health....Not a person you actually care about. Leaving someone you actually love is the stupidest thing I've heard in a long time.

[Edited on July 7, 2008 at 4:23 PM. Reason : l]

7/7/2008 4:22:33 PM

I think it really depends on the person. I had one girlfriend that I broke up with...and the more we stayed out of contact, the more she wanted to get back up.

Then I dated two very "independent" girls. Once you gave them an inch, they took a mile (another saying). So it kind of depends on the person. Sometimes you have to fight for them. Other times you need to let them go and let them realize what they are missing.

No particular saying works for every situation.

7/7/2008 4:48:26 PM

wtf.....if you didn't want them enough to stay with them in the first place then please tell me what in the hell they are missing

7/7/2008 4:49:45 PM

I say hurl...if you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. But if you spew and she bolts, it was never meant to be.

7/7/2008 4:56:03 PM