Begin.

6/25/2009 1:03:14 AM

i met a genie, it grant me 3 wishes

that night, i fucked 3 fat bitches

6/25/2009 1:05:33 AM

i, too, was born as a broken link, stolen from the womb via c-section
it doesn't affect me much, but i do occasionally leave the house through the window
[/steven wright]

6/25/2009 1:06:10 AM

6/25/2009 1:06:57 AM

6/25/2009 1:08:45 AM

6/25/2009 1:09:17 AM

iswyalldt

6/25/2009 1:09:18 AM

6/25/2009 1:10:37 AM

my sisters and I were jumping on the bed...I jumped off and cracked my head, 6 stitches, I was scared to death

que the monkeys on the bed song

6/25/2009 1:11:12 AM

k

6/25/2009 1:12:12 AM

Quote :

"my sisters and I were jumping on the bed...I jumped off and cracked my head, 6 stitches, I was scared to death"

Might I suggest another line to finish your rhyming story? "I feared I'd breathed my final breath" maybe?

6/25/2009 1:14:27 AM

icwydt

6/25/2009 1:15:20 AM

smartasses

the first time i stole: i was three. i heard the ice cream truck outside, so i stole a dolla from my momz's purse. dolla in hand, i pointed to a picture on the ice cream truck. i got my ice cream and ran back home. the ice cream man and the other neighbors who were getting ice cream were yelling at me. in retrospect, they were yelling at me because i didn't get my change back. but my neighbor parent, in her sainthoodliness, knocked on our door to give us the change, which is how my mom found out. she asked me angrily if i had stolen money from her purse. i said no. she yelled at me, because she knew i did. then she told me, next time i wanted ice cream, i should ask first.

funny thing was, every time i asked her before, she said no.

6/25/2009 1:16:41 AM

k

6/25/2009 1:17:02 AM

FIVE YEARS LATER

there wasn't anything to eat, which was normally the case. i decided to make myself a nice piece of toast. so i put one slice of bread in the toaster. my mom walked by, and yelled at me for leaving the other side empty and wasting heat.

the next time i made myself toast, i put two slices of bread in the toaster. but i only wanted one. my mom later yelled at me for not eating the other piece of toast.

i stopped eating toast after that

6/25/2009 1:21:05 AM

When I was young I liked to gnaw
I chewed on things both big and small
But for one thing I had no luck
Twas the dash of my dad's Ranchero cruck.

By his rules I must abide
For when I didn't he'd smack my hide
But one day he went into KMart
And I chewed that bitch till it fell apart.

[the teethmarks were still there when my brother wrecked that truck 12 years later]

6/25/2009 1:24:47 AM

had to google, thought that was robert frost at first

6/25/2009 1:29:46 AM

Now, this is a story all about how
My life got flipped-turned upside down
And I liked to take a minute
Just sit right there
I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air

In west Philadelphia born and raised
On the playground was where I spent most of my days
Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool
And all shootin some b-ball outside of the school
When a couple of guys
Who were up to no good
Startin making trouble in my neighborhood
I got in one little fight and my mom got scared
She said 'You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air'

I begged and pleaded with her day after day
But she packed my suite case and send me on my way
She gave me a kiss and then she gave me my ticket.
I put my walkman on and said, 'I might as well kick it'.

First class, yo this is bad
Drinking orange juice out of a champagne glass.
Is this what the people of Bel-Air Living like?
Hmmmmm this might be alright.

But wait I hear there're prissy, wine all that
Is Bel-Air the type of place they send this cool cat?
I don't think sow
I'll see when I get there
I hope they're prepared for the prince of Bel-Air

Well, the plane landed and when I came out
There was a dude who looked like a cop standing there with my name out
I ain't trying to get arrested
I just got here
I sprang with the quickness like lightening, disappeared

I whistled for a cab and when it came near
The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror
If anything I can say this cab is rare
But I thought 'Now forget it' - 'Yo homes to Bel Air'

I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8
And I yelled to the cabbie 'Yo homes smell ya later'
I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there
To sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air

6/25/2009 1:33:33 AM

4 YRS EARLIER:
i was in some store and i stole a pair of sunglasses.

1 YR earlier (from the 4 yr jumpback, so 5 yrs earlier before this post):
i walked around the neighborhood, opening the neighbors' mailboxes. there was one mailbox i couldn't reach, but i still managed to amass quite a collection of letters (and one postcard.) i sat in the yard while i opened the envelopes, the wind blowing the letters i'd toss away after pretending to read them. my parents spanked me after they caught me.

6/25/2009 1:37:08 AM

my greatest shoplifting schtick:

in middle school, i was stealing cigarettes from a small-chain local grocery store for months. the cigarettes were kept in the middle aisle, in plain view of all the cash registers, held in a plastic dispenser similar to a vending machine w/o the front glass panel. i would walk by, pick up a pack of marlboro reds, stick it in my pocket, and keep on walking. after a few trips back and forth, i'd go get a few bags of candy and pay for it, cigarettes in my pockets. the last time i did that, after i got in line, two big burly dudes stand right behind me, arms folded across their chests. i look back every once in awhile, and they're just staring me down. i'm up next to pay for my candy, and after i pay up, i get my plastic bag, turn around like i'm going to walk back in the store, look down at my bag which i'm holding open, and i say, "oh... nevermind...." as i walk out towards the exit doors, i hear one security guard say, "should we check him to be sure?" the reply, "no, i'm sure he stashed it somewhere near back. we'll get him next time...."

i actually started stealing cartons at another store after that, but ended up getting busted stealing candy. when i got caught, the security guard searched my pockets and found a pack of cigars that i stole from yet another store. at first, he was all happy, "YES WE FINALLY GOT YOU", but then he noticed that one cigar had already been smoken. but, as karma would have, i eventually went on probation for a second offense of shoplifting, all for some fucking sour worms and fireballs. my first offense was at target, which is another quasi-interesting story, but i suppose i'm going to call it a night.

6/25/2009 2:05:36 AM

Instead of "Your Childhood Stories" you should have just called it "Stories of Young Apocalypse Stealing, plus one story about a toaster so he doesn't sound like complete fuck up"

But nevermind, that's too long to be a legit topic.

6/25/2009 2:19:30 AM

lies ITT

6/25/2009 2:20:14 AM

Quote :

"sound like complete fuck up"

sick burn, regardless of grammar fuck up

and heh, if only i was lying.

6/25/2009 2:29:27 AM

Quote :

"sick burn, regardless of grammar fuck up"

Sweet sentence fragment, grammar ninja.

[Edited on June 25, 2009 at 2:38 AM. Reason : .]

6/25/2009 2:36:36 AM

MUST CONSERVE BATTERY POWER



[Edited on June 25, 2009 at 3:14 AM. Reason : are simpsons references even cool anymore? like, ya know, whatever]

6/25/2009 3:07:45 AM

Okay, this is a true story from my childhood:

I used to love playing Street Fighter II in the 1st grade. My favorite character was Ryu, and I thought the dragon punch was awesome.

One day, when I was in a particularly overzealous mood during recess, we were playing dodgeball. Somebody got me out, but not before I gave him a Shoryuken in front of my teacher and the rest of my class. I also added the "SHORRRRYUKEN" sound effect. It was awesome.

I did get in a lot of trouble though.

6/25/2009 3:26:28 AM

there's a really long childhood stories thread somewhere

6/25/2009 8:11:33 AM

Quote :

"there wasn't anything to eat, which was normally the case. i decided to make myself a nice piece of toast. so i put one slice of bread in the toaster. my mom walked by, and yelled at me for leaving the other side empty and wasting heat. the next time i made myself toast, i put two slices of bread in the toaster. but i only wanted one. my mom later yelled at me for not eating the other piece of toast. i stopped eating toast after that"

Haha, damned if you do and damned if you don't. "Wasting heat"? It's not like you can only activate half the toaster...

6/25/2009 9:16:23 AM

Quote :

"i met a genie, it grant me 3 wishes that night, i fucked 3 fat bitches"

epicly great first post

<3 ICP

6/25/2009 9:17:57 AM

I watched someone try to murder someone else via strangling/suffocation when I was about 5. They stopped when they noticed I was standing there looking at them. I guess they felt bad or something.

6/25/2009 9:28:02 AM

6/25/2009 9:30:09 AM

My earliest memory is about when I was 4. We were at the beach and my dad and I were in the water. He had a beer in one hand and was lifting me up over the waves with the other. A huge wave came through and knocked me loose from his grip. I went tumbling through the water and washed up on shore a few seconds later, choking and barfing up salty water. I remember looking back to see my drunk father pointing at me and laughing his ass off.

6/25/2009 11:12:27 AM

gawd, where in the title does it say "post your depressing fucked up childhood stories" ??

6/25/2009 11:29:49 AM

^you just post your childhood stories, it doesn't get any more general than that.

6/25/2009 6:29:46 PM

i dated a 35 year old when i was 9 years old

6/25/2009 6:31:18 PM

^ is that an MJ story?

6/25/2009 7:03:35 PM