500

7/24/2009 9:44:45 PM

Quote :

"(310): I finally know what my hidden talent is: I can determine the size of the ladies' vagina lips in the stalls next to me by the sound of their pee. (310): why aren't you texting me back, this is special! "

Quote :

"(732): They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody."

7/27/2009 9:17:05 AM

Quote :

"(440): she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2."

helen keller was cute.

7/27/2009 9:47:29 AM

Quote :

""(732): They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.""

EL OH EL

7/28/2009 11:22:44 PM

There have been a bunch of good ones, but I didn't post them.

Quote :

" (818): I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed "

Quote :

" (978): Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war. "

Quote :

" (703): So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out. (1-703): You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend. "

haha

Quote :

" (802): he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him "

Quote :

" (972): some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance. "

Quote :

" (909): We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter. "

hahaha

7/30/2009 6:35:04 PM

Quote :

"(706): Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze."

Quote :

"(905): Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina.. (1-905): With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there."

Quote :

"(215): I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons. (267): I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner."

Quote :

"(954): my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him"

Quote :

"(402): she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook."

Quote :

"(917): Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed."

Quote :

"(386): First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook."

Quote :

"(413): i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung"

[Edited on July 31, 2009 at 6:01 PM. Reason : -]

7/31/2009 6:01:18 PM

^The last one.........

7/31/2009 6:47:46 PM

seriously talk about a head fuck

7/31/2009 7:22:51 PM

Quote :

"(443): I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart"

Quote :

"(314): I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do? (505): The responsible thing...show them the break room. "

Quote :

"(305): false alarm. still invincible. "

8/5/2009 9:06:45 AM

4got about this site

8/5/2009 9:09:11 AM

Quote :

" (703): i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days! (804): Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us! (703): well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted. "

Quote :

" (423): i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet. "

lol

Quote :

" (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" "

Quote :

" (908): girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia. "

Quote :

" (904): i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial. "

Quote :

" (607): New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics (1-607): That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder (1-607): Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in? "

Quote :

" (916): I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn "

Quote :

" (256): I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed. "

hahaha, owned

Quote :

" (978): You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy. "

LOL

Quote :

" (440): I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet "

Quote :

" (310): Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb (209): it's ELEVEN (310): thirty "

Quote :

" (917): She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic "

Went ahead and caught back up on it.

8/6/2009 11:50:49 PM

Quote : Quote : "(519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba""

awesome

8/7/2009 12:20:12 AM

Quote :

" (202): I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me. "

Quote :

" (586): I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business. "

Quote :

" (607): Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day. "

Quote :

" (806): Jesus knows you're telling a lie. (832): Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup "

Quote :

" (210): she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice "

Quote :

" (908): We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks "

Quote :

" (513): Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out "

Quote :

" (315): im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone! "

Quote :

" (510): I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete. "

Quote :

" (607): I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy" "

8/9/2009 12:51:29 AM

Quote :

"(973): I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear. (1-973): Guess she heard her killer coming "

8/14/2009 1:47:04 AM

LOL

8/14/2009 1:54:14 AM

hahaha

8/14/2009 1:55:13 AM

8/14/2009 8:31:02 AM

Quote :

" (314): why was he too nerdy? (919): he was a tetris block for halloween "

Someone should know who that guy is

Quote :

" (631): So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that. "

Quote :

" (508): Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast. (508): PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail. "

Quote :

" (630): you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car. "

Quote :

" (404): What are you wearing to our high school reunion? (678): I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?" "

Quote :

" (720): turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen" "

Quote :

" (803): Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar. "

Quote :

" (328): im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is? (1-328): anal. "

Quote :

" (610): walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat (215): watch out for the queen of hearts (610): fuucck i forgot ab her "

Quote :

" (949): i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE" "

Quote :

" (206): got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache "

it like separated and then cam eback together

8/18/2009 4:59:26 PM

Quote :

"(917): i'm seventeen days late, but at least now we can write a poem and put it on that i-hate-myself-for-having-an-abortion website (917): i'm thinking a haiku. We had shower sex It was pretty good although Baby had to go"

8/18/2009 8:55:00 PM

Quote :

"" (630): you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car. ""

NICE. $20 says that one of my friends

8/18/2009 9:54:15 PM

Quote :

"(954): I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza"

8/19/2009 12:49:22 PM

Quote :

"(720): There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!""

8/28/2009 2:12:40 PM

Quote :

"(208): you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack"

8/28/2009 2:21:54 PM

Quote :

"(802): my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???"

8/31/2009 2:24:47 PM

Do you think hellen keller ever got laid? It would be hard cause a guy would have to go through her teacher to know if she even wanted it, and it seems kinda wrong, but at the same time it seems wrong for someone who can only experience life through feel to never get to have sex.

8/31/2009 2:26:46 PM

Quote :

"(973): I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear. (1-973): Guess she heard her killer coming "

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

8/31/2009 2:34:44 PM

Quote :

" (949): you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller." "

8/31/2009 3:23:01 PM

Quote :

"(631): So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone"

Quote :

"(618): The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass"

Quote :

"(972): So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting."

Quote :

"(706): rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots "

Quote :

"(917): its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch"

Quote :

"(614): see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy "

Quote :

"(602): She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section."

Quote :

"(478): I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!" (1-478): And thats what homeschooling is for"

9/16/2009 9:52:01 AM

Quote :

"(409): so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister"

10/1/2009 3:31:35 PM

Quote :

"(440): Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing."

Quote :

"(863): just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud"

Quote :

"(915): so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on(1-915): who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me."

[Edited on October 1, 2009 at 3:38 PM. Reason : asdfg]

10/1/2009 3:35:41 PM

gg on the last one

10/1/2009 3:58:56 PM

that one is great

10/1/2009 4:34:29 PM

Quote :

"(540): she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride"

ahahahaha sucks to be that guy

10/9/2009 1:34:58 PM

Quote :

""(915): so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on(1-915): who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me.""

i know someone who has done similar things.... well if he was talking about the girl that texted him back that is

10/9/2009 1:36:42 PM

hahahahahaha i remember reading that one. What an idiot

10/9/2009 1:38:50 PM

Quote :

"(360): there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am"

10/10/2009 2:50:01 PM

Quote :

"i know someone who has done similar things.... well if he was talking about the girl that texted him back that is "

haha.. i got one once saying "i wish he'd just fucking make up his mind already, i'm tired of going between two guys" from a girl i was dating..

[Edited on October 10, 2009 at 3:13 PM. Reason : a]

10/10/2009 3:12:53 PM

Quote :

"(201): why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall"

Quote :

"(518): apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party"

10/12/2009 8:58:00 PM

^^ oh damn!

10/12/2009 8:59:10 PM

Quote :

" (480): I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box.. "

he's trying too hard...

10/14/2009 1:42:01 PM

Quote :

"(124): Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all."

10/14/2009 4:18:18 PM

hahahaha

10/14/2009 4:20:24 PM

i'm gonna do that sometime i think

10/14/2009 4:26:44 PM

Quote :

"(519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba""

i haven't laughed this hard at my computer in a long time


that was a straight guffaw from the depths of my belly

10/15/2009 4:03:55 AM

Quote :

"(917): half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country."

10/16/2009 11:06:56 AM

Quote :

" (949): the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters "

Quote :

" (480): Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that. "

10/16/2009 11:23:01 AM

10/16/2009 1:20:37 PM

^Doesn't understand the internet.

10/16/2009 3:54:25 PM

31^

Quote :

"Quote : " (314): why was he too nerdy? (919): he was a tetris block for halloween " Someone should know who that guy is"

[Edited on October 16, 2009 at 4:53 PM. Reason : Test not my patience.]

10/16/2009 4:52:38 PM

haha, touche.

That's a lot of carrots though.

10/16/2009 5:02:35 PM