dos

4/25/2009 11:54:09 AM

i don't know why i love this website so much, but i do. i think i like these better than the fmls.

Quote :

"(703): I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one. "

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"(306): Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out "

4/25/2009 12:55:15 PM

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"(913): end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?"

4/25/2009 1:08:20 PM

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"(970): Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin. (970): Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right."

4/26/2009 8:07:06 PM

at first i was like

but then i was like

4/26/2009 8:28:19 PM

Quote :

"(132): if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder"

Quote :

"(703): someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat..."

[Edited on April 26, 2009 at 8:35 PM. Reason : .]

4/26/2009 8:34:20 PM

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"(805): Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with? (1-805): Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info."

Quote :

"(202): first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why? (408): we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try."

[Edited on April 26, 2009 at 9:11 PM. Reason : .]

4/26/2009 9:09:25 PM

Quote :

"(832): I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit (303): I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex"

4/27/2009 8:24:07 AM

this site is golden

4/27/2009 8:37:43 AM

WOW... this is much better than FML. Keep 'em coming

4/27/2009 12:29:10 PM

Quote :

"(212): so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to.""

4/27/2009 12:33:14 PM

Quote :

"(845): im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to (1-845): i wanted you to too"

New York...figures.

4/27/2009 12:44:45 PM

Quote :

"(919): I need help removing her."

but this one made me laugh...

Quote :

"(202): Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up."

oh and this one too...

Quote :

"(859): I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/ (973): Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room. (859): Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?"

[Edited on April 27, 2009 at 12:55 PM. Reason : asdf]

4/27/2009 12:53:26 PM

There is a pizza on my shoulder.

4/27/2009 1:59:51 PM

an entire fuckin pizza? he better thank someone, not hate

4/27/2009 2:14:14 PM

Quote :

"(248): Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up? (312): It's worth it. (248): How worth it? (312): Back door worth it"

4/27/2009 2:54:23 PM

(870): do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
(1-870): well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
(870): what chic?

4/27/2009 3:15:44 PM

Quote :

"(248): sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?"

Quote :

"(514): I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later."

[Edited on April 27, 2009 at 3:34 PM. Reason : ]

4/27/2009 3:29:34 PM

i'm not sure if i'm ashamed, or not, to say that there is nothing particularly crazy seeming about that scenario

[Edited on April 27, 2009 at 4:30 PM. Reason : asdf]

4/27/2009 4:30:20 PM

wonder if they had any bruises when they woke up.

4/27/2009 4:38:49 PM

thats too long for a text

texts should be short and sweet

that one should read

Quote :

"Party was nuts/dead guy on your lawn. Peace"

4/27/2009 4:41:26 PM

Quote :

""(212): so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."""

this happened to me in high school.

and she did in fact finish.

4/27/2009 4:52:47 PM

Quote :

"(704): dude, you're being a jerk. (919): sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney Labels: (704), (919)"

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"(919): Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class. Labels: (919)"

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"(919): Did you go home with that guy without me? (479): Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car Labels: (479), (919)"

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"(919): Can i not drive my cunt home Labels: (919)"

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"(919): Yes give me all the cream and he's gone Labels: (919)"

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"(828): can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later. (919): wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here! (828): i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa. Labels: (828), (919)"

Quote :

"(919): Well douche your snatch and let's go! Labels: (919)"

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"(919): I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here. Labels: (919)"

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"(704): Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light Labels: (704)"

[Edited on April 27, 2009 at 4:55 PM. Reason : .]

4/27/2009 4:53:45 PM

Quote :

"(314): U should come over 2nite (1-314): $$$$ (314): R u crazy I am offended (1-314): We totally had this conversation already (314): Ur totally a homosexual or either delusional (1-314): Neither, well maybe the 2nd one a little but def not gay. Plus, you agreed last night (314): First of all that wasn't last night and secondly I never agreed (1-314): Yeah you did (314): No I told u were crazy and to shut up about it cuz its not happening. Xanax clouds the memory (1-314): No sex then. (314): Y would you act like that esp after u really hurt my feelings by insulting me the last time I saw you (1-314): Sorry for hurting your feelings, but you did agree. You even gave me 5 bucks to seal the agreement (314): Yeah I gave u 5 bucks to bribe u into doin it right then doesn't mean I agreed to pay u from then on (314): I cannot even believe we are having this conversation, r u crazy? (314): Soo when r u gonna come over? (1-314): $$$$$ (314): How do u figure I shud pay you for something u enjoy doing to? Im waiting to hear your rational answer (1-314): Because people search a lifetime to get paid for what they love doing, especially when they are good at it. I… (1-314): Im really good at making you orgasm, so why not get paid like al other professionals that are being paid good (1-314): Did I mention doctors, lawyers, and oh yeah NURSEs (314): U have an orgasm too did u forget (314): Ur crazy (1-314): I make you have multiple, and secondly the reciprocation of pleasure does not negate payment (1-314): You always say how you don't have to worry about money, due to your dad. Why is such a big deal (314): Cuz it makes me feel lowwwww (1-314): All lot of things people low. Don't do it if you don't feel its right and its immoral (314): R u fucking serious (314): Give me the dick nowwwww"

4/27/2009 4:56:47 PM

Quote :

"(914): saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend"

Quote :

"(518): Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?"

Quote :

"(617): Did you hit it? (616): Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes."

Quote :

"(202): I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god (202): you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary"

4/27/2009 5:31:36 PM

Quote :

"(703): i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf"

4/27/2009 5:53:44 PM

Quote :

"(415): Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um"

4/27/2009 6:03:43 PM

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"(313): They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary. (313): Something like a penis light saber."

Quote :

"(757): I called you twice yesterday and sent you text messages telling you to call me. (1-757): sorry, my phone was not working yesterday. (757): I sent you 3 Facebook messages too. (1-757): I have not checked my Facebook either. (757): Your status changed 3 times yesterday--all through your mobile phone--want to try another lie? maybe someone had your phone yesterday and pretended to be you all day, but did not answer any calls?"

4/27/2009 6:32:24 PM

Quote :

"(248): I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?"

4/27/2009 7:00:21 PM

Quote :

"(202): first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why? (408): we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try."

best so far

4/27/2009 8:34:00 PM

Quote :

"(818): Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life."

4/28/2009 10:50:41 AM

Quote :

"Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth."

4/28/2009 11:14:20 AM

Quote :

"(612): Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw (1-612): strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing (612): could be more (1-612): absolutely not"

4/28/2009 11:16:08 AM

Quote :

"(312): I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?"

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"(760): can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)? (760): oh geez, wrong person."

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"(617): I'm half single. (773): Please tell me it's the bottom half."

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"(757): Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd"

Quote :

"(972): She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur."

Quote :

"(301): There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out. (240): What a good friend"

[Edited on April 28, 2009 at 11:32 AM. Reason : ]

4/28/2009 11:18:32 AM

Quote :

"(301): Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!"

Quote :

"(818): dude, i look like john mccains neck right now"

Quote :

"(810): I'm laying in your front yard are you home"

Quote :

"(703): Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight"

Quote :

"(405): Yeah, i think she was German or something. (1-405): No dude, she's just got a speech impediment."

4/28/2009 11:41:56 AM

Quote :

"(601): How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next? (318): Alcohol? (601): Sex with a fat chick."

Quote :

"(616): dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?"

Quote :

"(845): I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?"

Quote :

"(323): i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car. (818): she hot? (323): i don't wanna talk about it"

4/28/2009 5:44:26 PM

wait a second... breakfast + helping find car? This is the stuff light switches were designed for.

4/28/2009 7:32:35 PM

Quote :

"(202): I want to give you a handjob with my mouth."

Quote :

"(206): Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad"

4/28/2009 7:40:44 PM

Quote :

"(913): very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute."

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"(206): Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too."

Quote :

"(405): I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY (614): handstands? WTF? (405): she was a gymnast (614): go to hell."

4/28/2009 7:41:59 PM

Quote :

"(603): Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels (1-603) Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know"

4/28/2009 9:29:57 PM

Quote :

"(360): I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am. (646): I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ."

Quote :

"(562): hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available "

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"(310): Why did I cab home last night? (1-310): Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker."

Quote :

"(913): i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me. (816): i think im in thre room next to you"

[Edited on April 29, 2009 at 1:08 AM. Reason : edit]

4/29/2009 1:06:13 AM

Quote :

"(260): So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes (1-260): Are your eyes okay (260): I mean if I was Asian they would be"

UNpossible.

4/20 this year happened on a Sunday. No optometrist would be open on a Sunday.

4/29/2009 1:26:21 AM

looks like it was on a monday to me. and i hate when people say unpossible.

4/29/2009 1:31:07 AM

^Monday FTW

4/29/2009 1:33:47 AM

Quote :

"(817): She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs. (1-817): OMG. What did u say? (817): I told her I did too. "

4/29/2009 5:07:06 AM

Quote :

"(405): I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account."

Quote :

"(563): I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing"

Quote :

"(541): There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them? (253): Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either."

[Edited on April 29, 2009 at 8:08 AM. Reason : ]

4/29/2009 7:42:48 AM

lol, wut?

4/29/2009 8:10:02 AM

i find it interesting that so many of these are between people of various area codes.

4/29/2009 10:40:15 AM

isn't that pretty common in college-age people? 704/336/919 I had a 609 during most of college...

4/29/2009 10:45:08 AM

yeah, half my phone list isn't 919 numbers

4/29/2009 10:51:46 AM