i have a feeling this is gonna be a huge letdown when he finally posts it

8/5/2009 11:58:35 AM

ok, I burned the fucker to the ground.

HAPPY NOW?

8/5/2009 12:00:01 PM

wow, cunt out much ?

if you not gonna spill the beans, why make the thread in the first place

I hate the reinforce the "all Twws are pussies in real life" stereotype

but you give me no choice

[Edited on August 5, 2009 at 12:04 PM. Reason : and normally you seem like a stand up guy, tho at times a little too rallydurhamish for my tastes]

8/5/2009 12:02:33 PM

Actually, i'm technically being more of a pussy on TWW than I was in real life.

8/5/2009 12:03:39 PM

you know what you're right

I retract my previous statement

8/5/2009 12:04:49 PM

this is one of those instances when the line b/w tww and real life becomes blurred

ask the west raleigh three about it

8/5/2009 12:05:10 PM

anyway, let this thread die for now.

once i'm certain that i'm in the clear, i'll re-post the story.

it might be lame.

8/5/2009 12:14:29 PM

the west raleigh three had a blurred sense of reality and a blurred sense of vision, both induced by the same substances.

8/5/2009 12:14:34 PM

just pm it already

8/5/2009 12:22:43 PM

He just realized his story of "i switched the price labels for toilet paper brands" story couldnt hold up to the hype of everyone who lives vicariously through tww

8/5/2009 12:23:49 PM

im calling Sam's club and the police, hopefully i can get a gift card and an interview on WRAL out of this

8/5/2009 12:24:28 PM

^ aren't you wanted for questioning as a result of your $1 keep the dvd forever escapade?

8/5/2009 1:14:32 PM

8/5/2009 1:21:26 PM

this thread does not deliver

8/5/2009 1:31:45 PM

So I guess the real question is, will the plane take off from the treadmill Bobby?

8/5/2009 1:32:37 PM

WARNING: ENOUGH WORDS TO BE AN AYN RAND NOVEL

the tense is a bit off because I wrote this up right after it happened, but it's been months now.

---

So the wife calls me late in the afternoon, and asks me to run by sam's and pick up some diapers. I head over there after work and go straight to customer service. My wife had just renewed our membership about a month before, and I hadn't gotten my new card yet. The lady at Customer Service looks up the account and first finds our old, expired account. This detail is only important because both of our names were clearly on it. I give her a different phone # and then she finds the current membership account.

However, she can't give me my card, because my wife forgot to add my name to the account. Ok, I say, no big deal, can I get her on the phone, or does she have to come in? She has to come in. Ok, again- no big deal. Since I'm already here and there's clearly an account with my wife's name on it , and an expired account that had my name and my wife's name on it (and our last name is not exactly smith), it's obvious that I'm not trying to game the system. There's a stack of day passes on the counter, so I ask if she could give me a day pass until we can get this resolved? No, she's not authorized to do that.

Ok fair enough. May I speak to the Manager? Sure. The manager comes over and is rude to me from the get go, acting as if I should feel privileged to merely be present at Sam's Club. Under no circumstances will she authorize a day pass for me. I calmly explain the situation, completely understanding why they can't give me my membership card. BUT, given that we do have a membership, and given that there's a stack of trial cards sitting on the counter (who exactly is awesome enough to deserve one?), could they just do me a huge (but in reality small) favor and give me one so that I can get a box of diapers and resolve the whole account issue later? Absolutely not.

At this point, I'm completely and irreversibly furious. Furious doesn't even begin to describe how pissed off I was. I don't remember everything I said, but I informed her that she was very likely illiterate because she clearly didn't understand the definition of the words on the sign above her that read "customer service" and then told her that she could go fuck herself. Somewhere in the mix, I also called her a cunt. Then I stormed off and drove away.

But I couldn't just leave. I am too vindictive of a motherfucker to just walk away without some sort of retaliation. I made a U turn, and went back in the store. I breezed right past the card check person, grabbed a cart, and went over to the meat department where I found the most expensive meat I could find -- large prime rib roasts that were $80-$100 per package. I took all of them off the shelf and put them in the cart. I then proceeded to walk down aisles, and whenever I was alone in an aisle, I'd toss one of them in between the stacks of palettes. So as not to be TOO obvious, I also grabbed random items off the shelves to at least create some illusion that I was just another shopper. After a couple of laps around the store, I had distributed all of them.

In the middle of all of this, I ran into one of my good friends, and told him what I was up to. I left him to go finish spreading the meat around, and then caught up with him, and ultimately used his membership card to buy diapers. So being an asshole and destroying nearly a grand worth of meat, and basically setting a time bomb of stink ended up working out in my favor. I got my revenge, and the diapers that I originally needed to get as well.

So I guess at some point, they're either going to discover hundreds of dollars worth of meat has gone missing, or discover that the entire store smells like a rotting corpse, and then discover large packages of meat spread out around the store. The question is whether they review god knows how much footage (assuming it's all still archived) to figure out who did it.m It's really unlikely that they're going to go all CSI and shit over this, but who the fuck knows? this is Wal-mart we're talking about. They're like the fucking Gambino family of the retail world.

Anyway, pending a review from the booth, Bobby - 10, Sam's Club - 1

10/9/2009 11:50:41 AM

sounds like me when i got all that cheese on my Wendy's Triple that i explicitly asked for none of

10/9/2009 11:53:53 AM

10/10 story

you should go often to Sam's club and post about your adventures!

10/9/2009 11:53:53 AM

Now thats what I call settling a beef !

10/9/2009 11:54:49 AM

*standing ovation*

well done, sir.

[Edited on October 9, 2009 at 11:55 AM. Reason : ^bwahahaha--BADUMTSSH!! ]

10/9/2009 11:54:51 AM

upon reading it fully

10/9/2009 11:55:34 AM

upon reading it fully

10/9/2009 11:57:51 AM

damn

10/9/2009 11:59:15 AM

Gold Jerry....gold.

10/9/2009 11:59:16 AM

He took away my Sam's Card, and now he's using it on me !

10/9/2009 11:59:56 AM

Quote :

"She has to come in. Ok, again- no big deal."

uh huh

10/9/2009 12:03:52 PM

Dirty deeds done with Beef!

10/9/2009 12:08:27 PM

bobby you are the coolest person I wish I knew

10/9/2009 12:14:35 PM

^^ If, somehow, I ever publish a book of short stories, and include this one, I am totally gonna steal that as the title

^

[Edited on October 9, 2009 at 12:15 PM. Reason : asdf]

10/9/2009 12:14:57 PM

did you, by chance, go back to the store in the days following your Beef Assault and actually see if they were still there?

10/9/2009 12:20:36 PM

BobbyDigital, you are a god among mere mortals, sir.

10/9/2009 12:22:44 PM

so when they told you that your wife "had to come in" and you said "no big deal" at what point did you realize that you were wrong to continue to argue?

10/9/2009 12:24:30 PM

I, too, do ridiculously immature shit and worry about the consequences later.

10/9/2009 12:26:06 PM

Nah, I haven't been back since. but -- I left this out of the story, but while I was in the process of distributing meat around the store, I ran into one of my buddies who also works with me.

He only knew where one of them was, and saw it still there a week later. then i think the next time he was there, it was gone. But that was in the middle of a budweiser display, and I'm assuming that they found it when they took the display down to put something else there.

Also, between then and now, they probably replaced stock with new palettes of goods and various stockers may have found individual packs of meat and probably never thought much of it beyond some asshole customer having second thoughts and being too lazy to put it back where they got it.

Or maybe they put it back in the meat dept. and some poor sap bought it, got sick, and died, and I am to blame. That would suck. I'd feel pretty shitty if that happened.

10/9/2009 12:26:30 PM

^^^ Clearly, it was a big deal at the time, since he was already there and he wasn't trying to game the system. It really should have been a quick in-and-out.

[Edited on October 9, 2009 at 12:27 PM. Reason : .]

10/9/2009 12:26:39 PM

Quote :

"If, somehow, I ever publish a book of short stories"

You can't forget to include this one

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6IU1rvYnErQ

10/9/2009 12:28:55 PM

right, give me one of those temporary passes and i'll fix it later. There's nothing unreasonable about expecting that. They have those temporary passes for a reason. The customer service bitch was just taking her shitty day out on me.

10/9/2009 12:29:06 PM

Quote :

"Or maybe they put it back in the meat dept. and some poor sap bought it, got sick, and died, and I am to blame."

aha, funny story! i worked at HT for a few years in college. one day this big fat man shoved several NY Strip steaks and a few london broils down his pants and tried to walk out. i'm not sure how he got all that meat in there, but he did. the meat manager noticed, followed the guy out and ended up half-chasing him in the parking lot to get the beef back.

i asked the manager what he was gonna do with the meat. he said in all seriousness, "well i'm gonna re-wrap it and sell it of course!"

10/9/2009 12:29:23 PM

fair enough. you should have dwight schruted it and gotten corporate on the phone

10/9/2009 12:29:47 PM

haha 10/10

10/9/2009 12:32:29 PM

good story

10/9/2009 12:32:37 PM

What a fucking douchebag. Do you think the manager, the actual person that you were pissed off at, is going to be the one cleaning up that shit?

No, it's going to be the lowly store clerks who make minimum wage having to clean up your temper tantrum, just because you were pissed off and acted like a big baby when they wouldn't break the rules just for little old you.

10/9/2009 12:34:02 PM

10/10

10/9/2009 12:34:53 PM

Quote :

"temper tantrum"

exactly. what a coward you are.

I hope you get caught and they send you to federal pound-you-in-the-ass prison.

you deserve it.

10/9/2009 12:35:05 PM

Hey gronke.



wait....





wait...





wait...



wait.





care.

10/9/2009 12:35:18 PM

Fucking entitled American shoppers. The manager should have canceled your wife's account and banned you from the store. I'd like to see you explain that to her when you got home.

10/9/2009 12:35:43 PM

Yeah it's clear you don't give a shit about anyone else except yourself.

10/9/2009 12:36:04 PM

^seriously.

I really hope they caught you on camera.

10/9/2009 12:36:32 PM

costco

10/9/2009 12:37:05 PM

I already canceled the account, sweetcheeks.

I won't shop at sam's or wal-mart anymore.



[Edited on October 9, 2009 at 12:38 PM. Reason : costco ftw]

10/9/2009 12:37:57 PM