Quote :

""(616): dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?""

hahah goddamn im laffing

4/29/2009 10:52:58 AM

Quote :

"(406): So, how was the dinner (1-406): Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive."

Quote :

"(206): put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties"

Quote :

"(205): Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle."

4/29/2009 4:53:23 PM

I dont have a 919 area code and my phone book is pretty random too

4/29/2009 7:24:17 PM

Quote :

"(650): Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite (650): Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good"

LOL

4/29/2009 8:28:24 PM

^hahahaha

4/29/2009 9:49:53 PM

Quote :

"(810): So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800? (1-810): About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels"

4/29/2009 9:57:30 PM

what's an 1800?

4/29/2009 9:58:56 PM

tequlia

4/29/2009 10:14:55 PM

Quote :

"(530): Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake"

4/29/2009 10:20:50 PM

Quote :

"(804): So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets. Labels: (804)"

4/29/2009 10:29:36 PM

Quote :

"(917): last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks (917): this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed (917): he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF? (718): messed up. what color are the wings?"

4/30/2009 10:48:59 AM

^

4/30/2009 11:15:59 AM

Jesus, all of the recent ones are hilarious

Quote :

"(703): help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help."

Quote :

"(808): doesn't he have a GF? (248): that just means you have to try harder. (248): i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or..."

Quote :

"(312): he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl (313): you mean his girlfriend"

Quote :

"(617): Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises"

Quote :

"(859): im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever"

Quote :

"(859): Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga? (502): Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?"

4/30/2009 12:44:47 PM

^^^ omg i love that one

repost:

Quote :

"Quote : "(917): last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks (917): this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed (917): he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF? (718): messed up. what color are the wings?""

4/30/2009 1:54:48 PM

this website seems to attract the best type of girl.

4/30/2009 1:57:59 PM

Quote :

"(803): I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide."

4/30/2009 2:01:41 PM

Quote :

"(410): You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone."

4/30/2009 2:14:18 PM

Quote :

"(954): the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex."

4/30/2009 2:15:59 PM

Quote :

"(503): PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type... (515): Ur type is ready and willing"

4/30/2009 2:22:38 PM

Quote :

"(212): Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK"

Quote :

"(318): That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch"

Quote :

"(816): My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won."

Quote :

"(312): Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight. (773): You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal"

Quote :

"(212): ??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years."

4/30/2009 4:01:11 PM

Quote :

"(973): On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?"

[Edited on April 30, 2009 at 4:11 PM. Reason : wtf]

4/30/2009 4:10:57 PM

Quote :

"(563): I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing"

Haha. I just sent a girl that and got a response.

4/30/2009 4:12:28 PM

4/30/2009 4:14:32 PM

Quote :

"(775): Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you. (1-775): What!?!?! How are you txting?! (775): Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend"

4/30/2009 4:19:12 PM

hahahaha

[Edited on April 30, 2009 at 4:24 PM. Reason : .]

4/30/2009 4:24:00 PM

lol

4/30/2009 4:33:05 PM

I ♥ this site!

4/30/2009 4:49:31 PM

This shit is hilarious!

4/30/2009 5:31:24 PM

Quote :

"(419): I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl."

Quote :

"(480): I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is."

Quote :

"(415): Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events."

4/30/2009 6:58:22 PM

^ lol

4/30/2009 7:41:33 PM

^^ those are my favorites so far along with

Quote :

"(563): I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing"

4/30/2009 8:04:49 PM

^bwahahaha that ones good too

4/30/2009 8:06:13 PM

Quote :

"(714): But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out."

Quote :

"(414): hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me."

4/30/2009 8:11:12 PM

Quote :

"(617): i feel rough (617): just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE."

Quote :

"(810): oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno"

Quote :

"(312): You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on (384): How come? (312): Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message"

Quote :

"(917): East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv"

Too bad that's not the 919 EV

Quote :

"(209): I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans."

4/30/2009 9:03:49 PM

Quote :

"(212): ??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years. Labels: (212)"

4/30/2009 9:19:24 PM

a 'brief' description

lol

[Edited on April 30, 2009 at 9:30 PM. Reason : d]

4/30/2009 9:22:40 PM

Quote :

"(781): Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22.."

Quote :

"(323): Would you feel weird if I asked out ___? (310): You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend? (323): So...no?`"

4/30/2009 9:27:17 PM

Quote :

"(678): did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband (404): did it work? (678): nope"

4/30/2009 11:32:21 PM

Quote :

"(208): i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy."

Quote :

"(704): I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless."

5/1/2009 7:45:38 AM

^lol at the last two

5/1/2009 8:52:39 AM

Quote :

"(810): oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno"

5/1/2009 10:44:52 AM

Quote :

"(803): We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF? (843): You're upset about this?"

Quote :

"(315): covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly"

5/1/2009 11:25:03 AM

Quote :

"(803): We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF? (843): You're upset about this?"

5/1/2009 11:27:46 AM

Quote :

"(512): Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer"

Quote :

"(860): I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent (860): fuckk wrong person (1-860):.. who was that for? a girlscout?"

Quote :

"(914): Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way."

Quote :

"(310): its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off"

Quote :

" (704): the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer? "

5/1/2009 11:30:08 AM

Quote :

"(404): Dude, at my wedding all the groomsmen are gonna wear swords."

Quote :

"(440): tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors."

5/1/2009 11:52:07 AM

man all the ones i wanted to post have already been posted.

god why do i love this site so much

(this = textsfromlastnight.com NOT tww)

ok i found one:

Quote :

" (330): I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia ."

pretty sure i got this exact same response from my boyfriend when i asked if we could watch it!

[Edited on May 1, 2009 at 10:56 PM. Reason : .]

5/1/2009 10:53:22 PM

Quote :

"(901): pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit (1-901): no (901): the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table (901): im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE"

Quote :

"(513): Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs"

5/2/2009 2:35:45 AM

Quote :

"(573): I can tuck mytits in my pants"

5/2/2009 12:09:15 PM

Quote :

"Dude, at my wedding all the groomsmen are gonna wear swords."

lol

5/2/2009 2:46:44 PM

Quote :

"(757): DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT? (703): I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear."

Quote :

"(314): I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt."

Quote :

"(407): also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask."

Quote :

"(813): dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though."

Quote :

"(713): So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?"

Quote :

"(281): Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills."

Quote :

"(702): grinding to god bless the USA? really? (860): shut up"

5/2/2009 3:06:51 PM