Quote :

"(216): when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account (1-216): damn...impressive bar tab (216): no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer"

Ahahahaha. That happened to me once, but I ended up buying a tomahawk on ebay after watching Last of the Mohicans shitfaced. I was really confused when it came in the mail a week later.

5/14/2009 2:40:08 PM

my dad did that with a John Denver CD set.

"Who the hell ordered John Denver??"

5/14/2009 2:44:18 PM

Quote :

"(570): why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds? (1-570): you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911 "

hahahaha

5/14/2009 2:50:21 PM

You people.

5/14/2009 2:50:50 PM

^^ i LOVE that one. i tried to call 411 one night when i lost my cell phone (luckily i didn't try 911)...it didn't make any sense.

5/14/2009 2:53:06 PM

Quote :

"(313): I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight. (734): What'd you do? (313): Its more like what im about to do. "

5/14/2009 4:11:05 PM

i wish i had the full phone numbers of some of the girls on here and not just their area codes.

however on the plus side i can filter through it and figure out where the sluttiest areas are.

5/14/2009 4:31:52 PM

Quote :

" (415): I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with "

Quote :

" (612): I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big? "

Quote :

" (910): wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars (910): IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT "

Quote :

" (413): so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up "

Quote :

" (314): So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present. "

Quote :

" (858): I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell. "

Quote :

" (312): She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon! "

5/14/2009 8:52:29 PM

lol, that dollar beer thing was me.

5/14/2009 9:17:00 PM

^ i have def. done that shit before

5/14/2009 10:21:31 PM

Quote :

" (803): My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you "

Quote :

" (847): Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference "

Quote :

" (646): party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record. "

Quote :

" (203): How did you manage that? (860): Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis (203): lol... jersey girls rock "

Quote :

" (512): Can Purell be used as lube? "

Quote :

" (636): dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you (1-636): when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced "

Quote :

" (212): I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro (630): I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth "

Quote :

" (609): Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS. "

hah

5/15/2009 12:25:55 PM

lololol

5/15/2009 12:31:06 PM

Quote :

"(314): So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present. "

thats a FML right thar

5/15/2009 1:30:54 PM

Quote :

"(412): I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches"

5/15/2009 6:18:50 PM

lol

5/15/2009 6:20:30 PM

Haha ^^ and the one about the shots of water crack me up.

[Edited on May 15, 2009 at 7:14 PM. Reason : .]

5/15/2009 7:14:15 PM

Quote :

" (714): Letd wlk him (714): Lrtd walek hime (714): Lets wlk home,,,ther we go "

Quote :

" (310): Where are you??? (210): With some dude on the way to his house to blaze (310): You went back to a stranger's house???? (210): He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc. (310): I love LA. "

Quote :

" (614): She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward? "

Quote :

" (954): Your an asshole (1-954): Actually, it's "you're an asshole" (954): My point exactly "

hah

Quote :

" (813): you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you? "

Quote :

" (312): Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis. "

Quote :

" (408): the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW "

Quote :

" (770): Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex (404): Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut (770): Fuck. Wron person. But yea "

5/15/2009 10:47:24 PM

But yea

5/15/2009 11:02:53 PM

Quote :

"(404): Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are."

hahaha

Quote :

"(303): am i morally bankrupt? (970): no. its just the recession "

5/15/2009 11:08:40 PM

Quote :

"(425): Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars."

5/16/2009 12:11:52 PM

Quote :

"(330): now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me"

HAHAHAHA

5/16/2009 4:40:19 PM

Quote :

"(843): lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff. (404): Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks. "

5/16/2009 4:49:48 PM

Quote :

"(703): he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies (703): and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half" "

i lol'd at this one

5/16/2009 4:51:14 PM

Quote :

"(636): I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?"

Quote :

"(412): omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say (1-412): tell him to stop quoting family guy"

Quote :

" (717): Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too? (206): Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no. "

[Edited on May 16, 2009 at 5:03 PM. Reason : hahhaha]

5/16/2009 4:58:25 PM

qntmsister

5/16/2009 5:04:23 PM

evan

we should text all our conversations would make for awesome "textsfromlastnight" stories, and we'd represent 919!

5/16/2009 5:08:13 PM

Quote :

"you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion."

i think that one is funny. most of the others, not so much

5/16/2009 5:50:27 PM

lol i think all of these are pretty damn funny.

this is turning into my favorite site.

5/16/2009 6:11:24 PM

one of my personal favs

Quote :

"(919): I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer. "

Quote :

"(917): i puked in the mini-firdge (201): we don't have a mini-fridge? (917): bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that "

Quote :

"(858): You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat. "

Quote :

"(909): good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant "

Quote :

"(210): How crunk are you? (713): I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins"

Quote :

"(919): please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car. "

[Edited on May 16, 2009 at 10:18 PM. Reason : .]

5/16/2009 10:15:40 PM

Quote :

""(919): please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car."

Stay classy, Raleigh.

5/16/2009 10:52:59 PM

the first one i posted was 919 too drunken lawyers!

5/16/2009 11:02:21 PM

haha yeah, nice one k

Quote :

" (920): I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with. "

Quote :

" (843): Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call. "

Quote :

" (314): My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control. "

Quote :

" (443): Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore "

5/16/2009 11:04:38 PM

^ ahahahahahah at your second one!

5/16/2009 11:15:47 PM

I liked the second one too.

5/16/2009 11:17:51 PM

that 2nd one is wins

5/17/2009 11:32:10 AM

Quote :

"(917): i puked in the mini-firdge (201): we don't have a mini-fridge? (917): bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that"

gold

[Edited on May 17, 2009 at 1:00 PM. Reason : ]

5/17/2009 1:00:30 PM

Last night while on an R-line crawl downtown

Bobby (to wife): Love you baby
response: gay
Bobby: Whoops



I accidentally texted 01grad

5/17/2009 2:00:03 PM

i was at the rockford and i thought i saw you. you were all wearing your gray shirts and waiting and then the empty r-line came and you all applauded.

5/17/2009 5:52:53 PM

Quote :

" (860): yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her (860): but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!" (860): but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies "

Quote :

" (404): one word: firstdatebathroomanal "

Quote :

" (214): She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats. "

Quote :

" (650): Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day) "

Quote :

" (805): who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big --> "

Quote :

" (847): just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers. "

Quote :

" (847): I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me (224): RUN RUN RUN RUN "

hahaha

Quote :

" (407): my vagina has a 5:00 shadow "

5/17/2009 9:40:30 PM

Quote :

" (202): Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help. "

Quote :

" (507): Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends "

5/18/2009 7:52:53 AM

Quote :

"(914): im gay (203): i know (914): yea but for you."

Quote :

"(570): I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried"

Quote :

"(708): Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me."

Quote :

"(978): dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation. (1-978): woah 15? (978): i know! what is this dateline?"

AND THE GRAND FINALE

Quote :

"(212): i want you now (916): you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this"

[Edited on May 18, 2009 at 6:48 PM. Reason : .]

5/18/2009 6:43:48 PM

The soccer one made me lmao. Reminds me of a friend during our senior year of hs..he was dating this freshman girl, took her v card..then screwed her hot as hell mom a few months later

5/18/2009 7:09:00 PM

^a winner is him

Quote :

" (419): There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around "

Quote :

" (917): i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire! "

Quote :

" (440): It looked like if robin williams had a vagina "

JESUS CHRIST

Quote :

" (262): When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy. (612): only room for one pussy in that bed. "

Quote :

" (573): i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru "

Quote :

" (703): Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more "

Quote :

" (404): Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one. "

You know, I can't think of one time that I've worn someone else's clothing after a night of drinking.

5/18/2009 7:13:31 PM

Quote :

"(910): He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj (910): I think that's fair trade off "

5/18/2009 7:20:02 PM

thats a bitchin deal lawl

5/18/2009 7:20:57 PM

Quote :

"I ended up buying a tomahawk on ebay after watching Last of the Mohicans shitfaced. I was really confused when it came in the mail a week later."

This did not happen. I know where you stole that shit from.

5/19/2009 12:11:40 AM

consider yourself officially called out, etc, etc

5/19/2009 12:16:50 AM

Quote :

"(919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. "

5/19/2009 12:46:40 AM

Quote :

"This did not happen. I know where you stole that shit from."

wat

5/19/2009 12:59:40 AM

set em up

5/19/2009 1:00:11 AM