9

6/7/2009 8:13:22 PM

Quote :

" (503): He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat (1-503): Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby. "

Quote :

" (913): id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!" "

Quote :

" (803): You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo "

Quote :

" (512): its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants. "

6/7/2009 11:12:46 PM

^ i lol'd at the last one

6/9/2009 10:43:23 AM

Quote :

" (972): how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes "

Quote :

"(203): There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go (860): Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head "

[Edited on June 9, 2009 at 1:30 PM. Reason : ]

6/9/2009 1:30:35 PM

Førte to halfwit last night:

Quote :

"want to go to burger king tomorrow"

[Edited on June 9, 2009 at 1:31 PM. Reason : ]

6/9/2009 1:31:42 PM

Quote :

" (347): I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth. "

Quote :

" (352): I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself. (352): Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad. "

6/9/2009 6:44:20 PM

Quote :

"(402): Chicken burrito, or no deal. (1-402): Is that code for my vagina? (402): Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito "

Quote :

"(818): We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier"

Quote :

"(216): He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract."

Quote :

"(267): i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts? (267): i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about. "

Quote :

"(347): I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth. "

6/10/2009 8:50:22 AM

Quote :

"(347): I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth. "

chubby chaser!!!!!

nice.

6/10/2009 8:51:32 AM

Quote :

" (314): Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was. (314): Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night.. "

Quote :

" (215): he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out. "

Quote :

" (815): yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's, then told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had bailey's in them, so you shot down like 8 of them and puked on the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything "

Quote :

" (248): I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food. "

6/10/2009 11:50:32 PM

Quote :

" (617): were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them "

hah

that happened once

6/11/2009 9:23:17 PM

Quote :

"(810): i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand. (1-810): nice, that's exactly what jesus would do."

Quote :

" (619): he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?"

[Edited on June 11, 2009 at 9:38 PM. Reason : ]

6/11/2009 9:35:19 PM

Quote :

"(919): Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home"

where was that?

6/11/2009 10:39:38 PM

johnston county

6/11/2009 10:43:22 PM

Quote :

" (970): He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster "

Quote :

" (516): I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero... "

6/13/2009 10:31:21 AM

Quote :

"(970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar. (303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick."

6/14/2009 2:40:01 PM

Quote :

"(919): um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign. (1-919): hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred. (919): my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted."

Quote :

"(908): we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now. (1-908): you should have been aborted. "

haha. gotta try that one.

6/14/2009 2:44:09 PM

^The inbred one is (919) :carlface:

6/14/2009 2:48:44 PM

Quote :

"(910): 2:44am I Miss you, I wanna get with you again. (336): 2:44am OMG I DO TOO! lets get back 2gether and get married (910): 2:48am shit this was a bad idea.."

6/14/2009 2:52:15 PM

this one came up on my facebook and made me laugh a lot for some reason:

Quote :

" (970): I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises."

6/14/2009 5:04:26 PM

^ahahaha

6/14/2009 5:07:05 PM

Quote :

"(205): woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers (1-205): yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness...."

This one made me LOL

6/14/2009 6:05:18 PM

me too

6/14/2009 6:07:16 PM

Quote :

"(410): Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles' (301): Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar.. "

6/15/2009 6:26:11 PM

hahahaha

dj clittles

6/15/2009 6:27:53 PM

Quote :

" (973): just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house. "

haven't been checking recently, and haven't seen anything good when I have

6/16/2009 9:51:47 PM

Quote :

"(909): It must have been true love (604): I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other "

^ yea i hadn't looked in awhile either. there are a couple of funny ones but not as many as usual

Quote :

"(718): you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out "

Quote :

"(610): There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper. "

[Edited on June 16, 2009 at 9:59 PM. Reason : found moar]

6/16/2009 9:56:21 PM

Quote :

"(412): Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head."

Quote :

" (403): So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint. "

Quote :

" (705): "The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub. "

meh

6/19/2009 6:28:35 PM

Quote :

" (404): Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me. (706): Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest. "

Quote :

" (850): We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie. "

Quote :

" (954): you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now "

6/20/2009 12:48:00 PM

Quote :

"(813): I'm fucking your sister right now. (1-813): You motherfucker (813): She's next."

6/21/2009 3:13:10 PM

Quote :

"(704 ): I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is "

hahaha

6/21/2009 10:08:28 PM

Quote :

"(919): he just said he'd buy the porn (919): its a step up from the last guy "

Quote :

"(504): My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life"

[Edited on June 22, 2009 at 12:48 AM. Reason : lol]

6/22/2009 12:47:43 AM

still my favorite:

Quote :

"(818): i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like. (615): Heaven soaked bacon. "

6/22/2009 1:14:45 AM

^^^I really like that space one

Quote :

"(310): and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night."

Quote :

"(443): the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms"

6/22/2009 9:02:44 AM

Quote :

" (714): found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner. "

I'm always half nervous when going through a box of pictures with my family that something like that will happen.

6/22/2009 9:23:07 AM

Quote :

"(714): I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room"

Quote :

"(310): I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece. "

Quote :

"(978): Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good"

6/23/2009 8:18:45 AM

how can you put some one on speaker phone if it is a text?

6/23/2009 11:03:18 AM

Quote :

"Answer the phone when I call you in a second"

[Edited on June 23, 2009 at 11:05 AM. Reason : b]

6/23/2009 11:04:43 AM

from last night?

6/23/2009 11:06:07 AM

does someone really have to explain this to you?

6/23/2009 11:08:44 AM

6/23/2009 11:09:34 AM

Quote :

"(321): Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot. (1-321): he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn. (321): no his phone, idiot. "

LOL

6/23/2009 7:13:26 PM

Quote :

"(818): I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off. "

6/26/2009 1:19:09 PM

Quote :

""(610): There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper. ""

fitting

6/26/2009 1:25:00 PM

Quote :

" (917): I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina. "

Quote :

" (818): I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever. "

6/26/2009 7:00:03 PM

Me: test 10:17 PM
(919): May i ask whose texting? 10:18 PM
Me: THE FUCK YOU THINK? YOU TALK TO MY GIRL ONE MORE TIME AND ILL KILL YOU. 10:21 PM
(919): I hate 2 tell u but im a married women with 2 kids, and ever text someone that disrespectful shit unless u really know who u are talking 2... 10:38 PM
Me: SOUNDS LIKE IM TALKIN 2 A FAGOT 10:39 PM
Me: TALK 2 MY GURL AGAIN ILL RAPE UR KIDZ FOOL 10:40 PM
Me: google SMS isn't swamped. 10:41 PM
(919): Answer ur phone 10:50 PM
Me: wow, 919.***.*** is NOT ****. I sincerely apologize for everything you just had to endure. 10:50 PM

So, my coworker tells me his Google Voice invite came through but the voice servers are swamped, because he can't get a verification call so I log in to check, call him from the service and proceed to text a test msg. Then I start to fuck with him and shit got real.

whoops.

6/26/2009 11:05:37 PM

Quote :

" ((919)): I'm ashamed of what I did for a Klondike bar. "

6/27/2009 2:44:42 AM

Quote :

" (404): Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom. "

Quote :

" (908): How wet are you? (1-908): Ever heard of a U-boat? "

Quote :

" (504): My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her "

6/27/2009 11:22:06 AM

^lololololololol at the 3rd one

6/27/2009 11:38:28 AM

Quote :

"(972): they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE! "

6/29/2009 9:23:01 AM

Quote :

"(802): Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami.""

6/30/2009 11:52:41 AM