I need some good dirty jokes to tell my out-of-town friends this weekend. Here's some examples we've LOL'ed over in the past.

Q: What's the best thing about waking up to watch teletubbies at 8 AM?
A: The raging boner.

Q: What's the number one cause of pedophilia?
A: Hot kids.

5/2/2008 6:07:55 PM

neither of those are funny

didn't laugh at all

5/2/2008 6:09:26 PM

Dude...just sick. WTF?

5/2/2008 6:10:03 PM

^^Then suggest some funny ones plz, kthx

5/2/2008 6:27:25 PM

Three vampires walk in a bar. One orders a blood, the second orders a blood light, and the third orders a cup of hot water.

Bartender looks at the third while the first two down their drinks and says, "Not in the mood today?"

Third vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea."

5/2/2008 6:29:33 PM

Why do black people have flat noses?

Because you have to step on the back of their back of their head when you pull their tail off

5/2/2008 6:31:28 PM

what do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A quarter pounder with cheese.

5/2/2008 6:54:27 PM

What's the difference between black people and snow tires?

Snow tires don't sing when you put chains on them

5/2/2008 7:07:19 PM

A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide.

One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.

"Yes, but you know how I love to fish..."

"But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?"

"Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish"

A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex."

"I know, but she's got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish..."

The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex."

"Yeah, but she's got phyrrea; and you know how I love to fish..."

Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated the guide comments, "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that."

"It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love to fish..."

5/2/2008 8:51:32 PM

What do you call the sweat between two West Virginians who are fucking?



Relative humidity

5/2/2008 8:57:13 PM

haha i bet hollister is so weathered she has a ton of good jokes

5/2/2008 8:57:53 PM

whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a cadillac?

i dont have a cadillac in my garage.......

5/2/2008 8:58:36 PM

only unfunny people have to tell jokes

the rest of us can just make funny happen

5/2/2008 9:11:56 PM

not trying to sound racist, but black people are funnier

5/2/2008 9:13:40 PM

^^^^yes, but i'm too old to remember them.

5/2/2008 9:14:24 PM

Quote :

"Q: What's the number one cause of pedophilia? A: Hot kids."

literally LOL

5/2/2008 9:14:39 PM

Quote :

"What do you call the sweat between two West Virginians who are fucking? Relative humidity"

omg lol

5/3/2008 1:25:04 AM

Dirty Johnny has a cursing problem.

So his dad goes to a child psychiatrist for help...

Psychiatrist: "hmmm, well, Christmas is coming, ask him what he wants but every time he cusses get him a big pile of shit instead of what he asked for, the negative reinforcement should cure the little fucker"

Dad: "hmmm ok..."




Dad: "Soooo Dirty Johnny, what do you want for Christmas?"

Dirty Johnny: "Well bitch, when I wake up I want a god damn teddy bear in the fucking bed beside me, then I want to go down stairs and see a fucking train going around that god damn Christmas tree, then I want to fucking walk outside and see a sweet fucking bike leaning up against the god damn garage"

The dad smiles to himself...

Next morning Dirty Johnny rolls over into a big pile of shit in the bed... confused, he walks downstairs and sees a circle of shit going around the tree... stumbling outside he sees a HUGE pile of dung up against the garage"

Dad: "Sooo Dirty Johnny, what did Santa get you?"

Dirty Johnny: "Well bitch, I think the faggot got me a god damn puppy but I cant find the son of a bitch"

5/3/2008 1:48:02 AM

what's the best part about showering with a 12 year old girl?
slick her hair back and she looks like a 10 year old boy.

5/3/2008 1:53:44 AM

Whats the best part about twenty seven year olds?

there are twenty of them

5/3/2008 1:58:44 AM

Whats the worst thing about having sex with a six year old?



Getting blood on your clown suit

5/3/2008 2:03:22 AM

Whats worse than 10 dead babies in a trash can?
1 dead baby in 10 trash cans

How do you make a 4yo cry twice?
Wipe your bloody dick on her teddy bear

Whats the best part of fucking a 2yo?
Hearing the hip bone crack

5/3/2008 2:10:16 AM

^isn't that pleasant

5/3/2008 2:20:45 AM

the usernames of the last 2 posts just brainfucked me

5/3/2008 2:21:15 AM

whoa


kinda glad you pointed that out...I probably would never have notice the difference

5/3/2008 6:53:17 AM

There are two gay dudes, fucking on the top of a high-rise building. The building some how collapses and kills them both. Which one is going to hell first, the one on top or the one on the bottom?




The bottom one, because his shits already been packed.

6/13/2008 12:42:36 PM

I don't have any dirty jokes off the top of my head, I just make them up as I go along.

6/13/2008 12:45:43 PM

Q: Whats the hardest part of a sex change?

A: Getting the cheese to taste like fish!!!

6/13/2008 12:47:53 PM

what's the worst part of eating bald pussy?

getting the diaper off

6/13/2008 12:50:57 PM

Quote :

"not trying to sound racist, but black people are funnier"

Seriously dnl?

6/13/2008 12:57:27 PM

oldie but goodie

A man and a little boy are walking into the woods around sunset. neither of them says a word, but as they’re walking, it’s noticeable how dark it’s gotten. the further and further they go, the darker and scarier it gets until finally, the little boy turns and says:
"hey, I’m getting scared mister!" the man looks down and replies:
"YOU’RE scared? I gotta walk outta here by myself!"

6/13/2008 12:59:51 PM

here is a dirty joke for you...so this horse was walking....and then it fell in some mud.

6/13/2008 1:04:19 PM

A man opens a restaurant and advertises for a Piano player. He finally has an applicant walk in and sit down at his beautiful grand piano. The pianist plays the most amazing original composition the restaurant owner had ever heard. Almost in tears, the man asks"what is the name of that lovely song?"

The pianist replies, "asshole full of maggots."

Taken aback, the restaurant owner asks him to play some more. Again, the pianist floors the owner with an amazing tune.

"What is that one called" asked the owner.

"I love smelly pussy." said the pianist.

The owner explained that the beautiful compositions would suit his establishment perfectly, but he would only hire the pianist under the condition that he would not tell the patrons the names of the songs. They agreed.

The first night the pianist was well received. Sitting behind a full tip jar he announced to the diners that he would take a break and come back in 15 minutes. After using the bathroom, he forgot to zip up. Upon returning to the piano, a patron approached him and asked," Sir, do you know your zipper is down and your dick is hanging out?"

"Know it" the pianist asked exitedly, "I fucking WROTE IT!"

6/13/2008 1:05:41 PM

Oldie but a goodie:

What do Michael Jackson and K-Mart have in common?



They both have boys underwear half off

6/13/2008 1:06:08 PM

What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball.

What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
Only 1500 went down on the Titanic

Did you hear about the new blonde girl doll?
You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.

What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet?
After you use a toilet it doesn't follow you around for three days.

What do you get when cross a lawyer with a blonde??
I don't know, but when it sucks your cock, it does't stop until it
gets blood.

6/13/2008 1:18:40 PM

Husband and wife are in the heat of the moment. Bed's squeaking, sweat dripping all over the place when little Timmy opens the door to find his mom getting piledrived with her feet up in the air

"Get the fuck out of here; I'm taking care of business" yelled the father

Timmy jets from the room, completely in shock

30 minutes passes and the dad goes downstairs to get a glass of water

He's astounded to find little Timmy with the live in grandma on the countertop, legs up in the air straight up gettin it.

"What the fuck are you doing Timmy?"

Timmy glares back in spite, "It's not so funny when it's your mom is it?"

6/13/2008 1:30:33 PM

What does a plastic bag and Micheal Jackson both have in common?



Both are made of plastic and both are dangerous to children 3 years old and younger.

6/13/2008 1:36:19 PM

^ another OBG

6/13/2008 2:27:11 PM

Q. What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold?


A. One's a sick duck ... I can't remember how it ends but your mother's a whore.




A statistician, a biologist, and a mathematician are sitting outside a diner, drinking coffee, and watching people walk along the street. At one point they see two people walk into the building across the street. "Hmmm, very interesting," they all agree. A few minutes, they see three people come out. "Whoa! What's that all about?" they wonder.
The statistician answers first: "Well, it's obvious what happened. Our initial count was flawed."
The biologist says, "No, I think our counts were fine. I believe some sort of reproduction happened in that building."
The mathematician says, "Ha. I don't know about either of those theories, but I say that if one more person goes into that building, it'll be empty again!"



Q. Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?


A. You would too if your name was "mmmrrrrggggbbbaaaa"

6/13/2008 3:25:20 PM

Quote :

"Q: Whats the hardest part of a sex change? A: Getting the cheese to taste like fish!!!"

hahahah thank you

6/13/2008 3:28:20 PM

Quote :

"What's the difference between black people and snow tires? Snow tires don't sing when you put chains on them"

Ummm...wow! HOW HORRIBLE!

6/13/2008 3:35:53 PM

haha damn thats a good one

6/13/2008 3:37:40 PM

Q: Why was Animal Control called to the Democratic Convention?
A: There's a coon on the loose.

6/14/2008 1:01:27 AM

What do u call a white guy with a salty top?













A cracker.

HO HO HO HO HO

6/14/2008 1:23:31 AM

this thread made me LOL several times. 10/10

6/14/2008 1:31:01 AM

^^^^^you get mad at that, but you don't mind the dead baby jokes?


get real

worst kind of racist

6/14/2008 1:41:32 AM

what does michael jackson have in common with mcdonalds?



40 year old meat between ten year old buns

6/14/2008 1:46:43 AM

did you hear that nike came out w a new line of shoes for lesbians? they have extra long tounges and get off with just one finger.

6/14/2008 2:47:22 AM

What does a lesbian bring on the second date?
Uhaul.

What do 5 black men call 1 white guy?
Coach.
What do 10 black men call 1 white guy?
Quarterback.
What do 1000 black men call 1 white guy?
Warden.

A couple goes to see a sex therapist because their love life sucks and its jeopardizing the marriage, so the therapist suggests they buy a dozen donuts and a bag of grapes. He instructs them that every time she can ring a donut around his dick, she has to eat it off, and everytime he throws a grape in her pussy he has to eat it out.

Well within a couple of weeks the couple has no more sex problems (obviously), and they tell another couple whose having sex problems that they know about it. However, when they go to the therapist, he says their is no hope for them and they should just divorce. This couple gets mad, asking how come he didn't suggest the donuts and grapes game.

The Therapist replies: "Because, with you, it would have to be cheerios and grapefruits"

6/15/2008 12:25:59 AM

What's the difference between Princess Di and a blade of grass?
About 6'.

What do Princess Di and cellphones have in common?
Both die in tunnels.

Wasn't Princess Di an English teacher?
Nope, she's History.

What did Princess Di have for Desert?
A turnover.

What's the difference between Princess Diana and Elton John?
Princess Diana never was a queen of England.

How did The Royal Family stop the paparazzi from visiting Di's grave?
By placing Land mines around it.

What do Red Wine and Princess Di have in common?
Hard to get out of the carpet.

How did they find out Princess Di had dandruff?
Found her head&shoulders in the glove compartment.

How come Princess Di could never be an airplane pilot?
Tunnel Vision.

6/15/2008 12:45:18 AM