So, my girlfriend broke up with me last Sunday. As I understand it, it was because I have no self-control with respect to alcohol and drugs and she was sick of seeing me do things that appalled her. Anyhow, we parted on reasonably good terms; she told me she didn't like hurting me, and we hugged and said goodbye, and it was a really nice, sentimental, movie sort of scene. We'd been together for two months but were pretty damned serious and undeniably in love through most of that time.

Fast-forward to today.

Now, most of her friends are my friends and vice-versa; I'm a math grad student, and she's good friends with most everyone in the department. So today I ask my buddy if he wants to go drinking, and he asks if I'm going to Jess' bbq tonight. I'm like wtf, she's having a barbecue? So I text her asking if I can come, and she replies (rather correctly, I must admit) that it's very rude of me to place her in such an awkward position.

But it strikes me as pretty fucking mean and inconsiderate to break up with somebody on Sunday, and then invite a bunch of his friends to a bbq on Friday, and not invite him nor even tell him you're having a bbq at all. 'Cause she must've known I would find out, and that it would not feel good.

Incidentally, the story finished with her texting that she didn't need to justify herself, and me replying (in essence) that she cannot justifiably behave as if I do not exist, that she should respect my feelings in some particulars even though we have broken up. And then I sent a couple more texts which she did not reply to.

Anyway, what say you, TWW? Am I in the right, or in the wrong, or both?

9/26/2009 12:01:16 AM

She doesn't really owe it to you to invite you to her barbecue.


But you have every right to feel crappy about it.

9/26/2009 12:04:16 AM

i think that she's dealing with things in her own way, and you should probably just respect that.

you can feel hurt if you want to, but it's probably not really justified here. just let it go and have a night hanging out with other friends.

9/26/2009 12:04:40 AM

you can't expect her to NOT hang out with the friends that you two share just because you two split up. especially if those friends that you share are the majority of her "good friends" and the people she normally hangs out with. i don't blame her for not wanting you there - you just broke up. give her a month, maybe she'll feel better about hanging out around you in a social setting once you've been split up for awhile.

9/26/2009 12:08:03 AM

Just curious, but was this bbq being thrown to celebrate her 11th birthday or her 12th?

9/26/2009 12:08:15 AM

she's gettin some moral pole if you catch my drift

9/26/2009 12:09:58 AM

Thanks for all the courteous and true-ringing responses so far. The main thing is that I would MUCH have preferred to be told, "Hey, I'm having a bbq but not inviting you, I need some time apart" or some excuse, even, just something polite. But I don't know if it's reasonable to expect that. I would probably do it in her shoes, though.

^^ she is my exact contemporary...although I am presently pursuing a 21-year-old

9/26/2009 12:10:49 AM

If you've been broken up less than a week and you have a get together with "the gang", you don't call your ex and rub in his face that you're having a get together and he's not invited. You just hope that no one tells him. And if he does find out, you hope he doesn't try to have the awkward "why didn't you invite me" conversation.

9/26/2009 12:16:21 AM

I suppose that makes sense. Personally I'd much rather have had it rubbed gently in my face...but I have a bit of an honesty fetish

9/26/2009 12:18:47 AM

2 months??

i guess every relationship is different but i don't get how things can be too dramatic (on your end or hers) after 2 months. but i guess with the friend situation - i empathize there. that kinda sucks if you share mutual friends and if they are both good friends to you and her

9/26/2009 12:20:12 AM

Quote :

"She doesn't really owe it to you to invite you to her barbecue. But you have every right to feel crappy about it. "

QFT

9/26/2009 12:25:09 AM

Come on, dude. Best way to get over a breakup is to invite all your friends over - a huge bbq sounds perfect. Why is this unusual?

9/26/2009 1:17:01 AM

2 months?

TWO MONTHS????


good fucking lord, get over it. she obviously doesnt want you in her life any more.

take a hint.

quit stalking her, already.

and get a handle on your drug addiction / alcoholism. its obviously a problem when people start shunning you.

FIVE CENTS PLEASE.

9/26/2009 1:27:23 AM

dude, sometimes I wonder about you...all you do is broadcast negativity. you seem genuinely to enjoy saying deliberately rude, malicious things to people, and evidently you don't have the balls to say 'em in person, so you just say 'em on a message board. rest assured that I am not bothered by your remarks; but you are most assuredly either A. an asshole or B. pathetically insecure. either way, I'm a far better man than than you are, so get the fuck out of my thread.

9/26/2009 1:43:59 AM

She doesn't really owe it to you to invite you to her barbecue.


But you have every right to feel crappy about it.



and, ^^

9/26/2009 1:47:58 AM

oh, i'm definitely an asshole. so it's "A". but i also tell people shit straight up to their face IRL, too.

i'm not TRYING to be negative, but goddamn some of you people really need to get a clue Im being honest with you.

come dude, you're 28 years old, right? now look at your post from an honest, unbiased perspective.

maybe there's some wisdom in the saying "The Truth Hurts"

9/26/2009 1:51:02 AM

Quote :

"We'd been together for two months"

Quote :

"I'm a math grad student"

do the math and move on.

9/26/2009 1:57:30 AM

Quote :

"2 months? TWO MONTHS???? good fucking lord, get over it. she obviously doesnt want you in her life any more. take a hint. quit stalking her, already. and get a handle on your drug addiction / alcoholism. its obviously a problem when people start shunning you. FIVE CENTS PLEASE."

9/26/2009 1:59:00 AM

She needs some space...


WITHOUT YOU IN IT.

9/26/2009 2:00:08 AM

some situations have no good resolution; there are just less bad ones

9/26/2009 2:25:48 AM

Quote :

"i'm not TRYING to be negative, but goddamn some of you people really need to get a clue Im being honest with you. "

the thing is, there are ways and ways of being honest. there're these things called decency and tact which basically amount to expressing yourself in a way that is not overtly and actively offensive and derogatory to others. perhaps you should toy with the idea of incorporating these traits into your personality; it's better not to be an asshole, all other things being equal.

however, I will confess that I now see that there is a good deal of truth in your post.

9/26/2009 2:32:40 AM

are you the dude that professed your hatred of the gays in the technician a few years ago?

9/26/2009 2:49:24 AM

^^ perhaps. but ive also found that being nice, people dont listen.

sorry for your shitty night. you might want to consider that since she is already friends with everyone in your department, then perhaps many of them are at least as much (if not more) her friends than your friends in the first place.

first thing, you should really consider what she said about why she broke up with you. seriously. think about it.

second thing, you need to realize that as far as relationships go, 2 months is a joke. im sure she was not as "undeniably in love" as you'd like to think she was.

finally, you're treading on dangerous territory. it sounds like she's is respected as a professional or academic in her own right within your department. if you come off looking like some kind of unstable, alchohol and drug abusing ex-lover to the rest of your department, you're going to risk losing a lot more than pride. there's been too many unstable jilted lovers at campuses around the nation making headlines, if you get what i mean.

and as everyone else says, it's her barbeque, not yours. she doesnt owe you anything. and like thumper said, it's not her job to go out of the way to inform you you're not invited. she expected you to act like an adult and not to throw a hissy fit, flooding her with text messages at her party. i imagine she probably told her friends "OMG he wont stop texting me." back off before the restraining order gets filed.




[Edited on September 26, 2009 at 2:56 AM. Reason : ]

9/26/2009 2:55:24 AM

hey JeffreyBSG, i'm really happy for you, and i'ma let you finish - but H8R had the best post in this thread!!!11

Quote :

"do the math and move on."

9/26/2009 11:14:07 AM

Stop being a punk bitch

Women don't respect men that fall fast

9/26/2009 11:36:44 AM

you really asked her if you could come?

wtf dont you think she would have invited you if she wanted you there.

i understand feeling bad. but she broke up with you, which means she doesnt want to be with/hang with you

[Edited on September 26, 2009 at 11:55 AM. Reason : sfda]

9/26/2009 11:53:18 AM

this is Gaither, guys

9/26/2009 11:54:18 AM

Quote :

"she didn't need to justify herself"

quoted for truth

9/26/2009 11:56:28 AM