I arrive at work Saturday at 5pm, and by 5:15pm I have allowed some cute girl at the bar to dare me into chugging a bottle of Cholula sauce. Initial experience is flaccid at best, but my customers needn't know this as I bask in their collective adulation and incredulity.

An hour passes, a mild discomfort beset my stomach but it proved something I would dismiss easily as the familiar warmth of a good shot of whiskey.

This continues until the first wave of evacuation suddenly accosts my colon. I spend the next half-hour glued to my toilet as I beg the gods to extinguish the raging inferno in my sphincter. I return to work with bittersweet relief, for though I now feel somewhat better I know it is only the beginning.

Fast-forward to 3:30am, I am yet again anchored to the ladies' toilet and beseeching my exhausted abdominals to exorcise the remaining demons from my colon. I begin to realize my ordeal is far from over and I shift to a more proactive course of action.

I interrupt the session, finish closing the bar, and head straight to Harris Teeter. My twisted bowel leads me like a witching stick directly to my alleged salvation. I have never taken a laxative, but if it's anything like that classic scene in Dumb and Dumber I figure I may be in for a treat. Imagine my disappointment when I find nothing but pills acting in 6-12 hours.

I must look rather ridiculous at 4am tearing open my box of laxative in the middle of the store like a kid on Christmas morning, but outward impressions are of secondary import by this point. I have crested the climax of my narrative and now eagerly await my sweet denouement.



To be continued.

11/22/2009 5:26:23 AM

11/22/2009 5:30:12 AM

the key to trick eating/drinking

is to vomit soon afterwards

i was taught this by a former sideshow performer

who routinely drinks bottles of crazy stuff (like malt vinegar) for tips at bars

11/22/2009 7:42:52 AM

diction sounds too Slave Famousy

11/22/2009 10:10:11 AM

Quote :

"the raging inferno in my sphincter"

lawl

11/22/2009 10:15:18 AM

why did you use the ladies bathroom?

11/22/2009 10:17:21 AM

you gotta get the suppositories man, they work in like 10 min, as long as you dont mind sticking your finger up your ass

11/22/2009 10:22:23 AM

Quote :

"beseeching my exhausted abdominals to exorcise the remaining demons from my colon"

lol

11/22/2009 10:54:10 AM

10/10 would read again

11/22/2009 11:33:42 AM

updates?

11/22/2009 11:39:28 AM

he hasn't posted in a while. two possibilities:

(1) he passed out

(2) his rectum exploded

11/22/2009 11:40:18 AM

Quote :

"you gotta get the suppositories man, they work in like 10 min, as long as you dont mind sticking your finger up your ass"

and yeah, what he said.

11/22/2009 11:40:25 AM

Sounds like a shitty situation . I hope the cute girl tipped you well enough to make up for your pain.

Quote :

"why did you use the ladies bathroom?"

Probably because he had already cleaned the Men's room?

11/22/2009 3:08:30 PM

^That or who would want to use the guy's shitter at a bar at 3:30am?

11/22/2009 3:20:55 PM

Well, after an uninterrupted night's sleep a dull stomach ache produced a dishearteningly pedestrian series of visits to the restroom. My ordeal seems to be drawing to a close, leaving me with naught but a nutrient deficiency and a wish that I'd eschewed my male instincts and gone with the aloe-infused Cottonelle.



Now, for a Q&A forum!

Quote :

"the key to trick eating/drinking is to vomit soon afterwards"

Quote :

"you gotta get the suppositories man, they work in like 10 min, as long as you dont mind sticking your finger up your ass"

I didn't know there was so much missed potential for pleasure in this!



^, ^^ Little of A, little of B.

11/22/2009 4:35:27 PM

live and learn man, live and learn

11/22/2009 4:57:37 PM

well this thread made it squarely into page 2 of my topics and noone mentioned the mars volta reference

11/25/2009 2:00:23 PM

it did not go unnoticed.

11/25/2009 2:02:43 PM

i know i can always count on you to come through in any intellectual pursuit

11/25/2009 2:07:02 PM

i know i can always count on you to come

11/25/2009 3:20:34 PM

I knew the worst wouldn't be the chugging, but the aftermath. I still wouldn't have done it

11/25/2009 3:28:33 PM