1973-2010

5/21/2010 9:59:06 AM

Quote :

"I once had a really bad asthmatic attack. I was running in the park and these three asthmatics jumped me. Yeah....you would have thought I would have heard them hiding in the bushes."

Quote :

"I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. "

Quote :

"How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. "

Quote :

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. "

Quote :

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. "

[Edited on May 21, 2010 at 10:05 AM. Reason : ]

5/21/2010 10:02:05 AM

isn't that emo philips...?

5/21/2010 10:05:50 AM

HOLY FUCK CAN YOU REALLY BE THIS DENSE?

meme detection fail

5/21/2010 10:08:53 AM

But that is not Demetri Martin I can tell from the pixels

oh and
Goodnight, Sweet Prince

5/21/2010 10:42:48 AM

... nvm...

5/21/2010 10:44:44 AM

Quote :

"When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Demetri, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice..."

Quote :

"You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back."

Quote :

"I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, you can have your purse.""

5/21/2010 2:09:51 PM

k

5/21/2010 7:17:45 PM

these men would've been better pic choices

5/21/2010 7:57:30 PM

this is a horrible thread.

5/21/2010 8:57:05 PM

They're both comedians of brief fame who rely entirely on paraprosdokian one-liners.

5/21/2010 9:34:45 PM

0/10.

5/21/2010 10:30:39 PM